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Even in a Trudeau government that has seen no shortage of scandals, the saga of Employment Minister Randy Boissonnault has reached truly cinematic heights.
It all started when texts emerged of a “Randy” texting with business partners at Global Health Imports about the details of a $500,000 federal contract. It’s a strict no-no for Crown ministers to be simultaneously bidding on federal contracts, so Boissonnault explained it as the actions of an “other Randy” — an individual who has to be proved real.
And then, this month it emerged that Global Health Imports had been calling itself an “Aboriginal owned” company in government bids. The Aboriginal person in question was Boissonnault himself, who revealed this week that despite years of claiming Indigenous ancestry, he’s just a white guy who was adopted into a family with Métis lineage.
To cap it all off, Boissonnault said in a Friday apology that the “Aboriginal owned” moniker was wholly the fault of business partner Stephen Anderson. “I regret my error in judgement in having gone into business with Mr. Anderson,” he wrote.
In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of Randy Boissonnault.
I am Randy Boissonnault. Employment Minister in the 29th Canadian Ministry. Loyal lieutenant to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Sworn representative of Edmonton Centre. Proud Franco-Albertan. Diligent public servant. My mandate is clear, my responsibilities sacred, my moral compass always and forever pointed Due North. God bless Canada.
I am Other Randy. Co-founder of Global Health Products. Inveterate dealmaker. Ruthless capitalist.
What is Other Randy’s ethical code? Money — loonies, dineros, simoleons. Whatever you call it, I want it. I’ll take any advantage, cut any corner, shake any hand, check any box; so long as it brings in that sweet, sweet cash. Original Randy does not approve of this. He’s too busy bootlicking his way through Ottawa to know what really matters. Greed is good.
I am Cree Randy. Identity has been the colonizer’s sharpest weapon in his campaign to divide and extinguish my people. There was no talk of “blood quantum” before the arrival of the settlers. Did Sitting Bull check his warrior’s status cards before the Battle of the Greasy Grass? Cree Randy has always declared with pride his “non-status adopted” identity. Original and Other Randy would never understand; they are both in thrall to the lucre of the white man.
I am Métis Randy. Okay, maybe mom actually isn’t Cree. I always thought that was a synonym for “Native,” but it turns out it’s a whole ethnicity with culture and a language and stuff. No, the more appropriate term would be “Métis”; which I believe means “partial Native.” I always knew Cree Randy was an imposter, and a traitor to our true heritage as Métis People.
I am Horrified Randy. Monstrous, bone-chilling acts of fraud and misrepresentation have occurred without my knowledge. False claims of identity made for personal advancement. Shocking betrayals by my closest friends and associates.
Other Randy, Original Randy, Cree Randy and Métis Randy will all answer for this. They will pay.
Actually, they’re all watching me now. Well, let them. Let them see how horrified Randy Boissonnault is, how unwilling he is to let the Other Randys sully his reputation. A fly has landed on my hand, and I’m not even going to swat it. The Other Randys will see, and they’ll say, “Horrified Randy; why, he wouldn’t even hurt a fly.”
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